Challenging perfection

A year ago, my scanty, wavy, frizzy hair became smooth and silky and straight, thanks to a salon treatment i opted for. It felt strange - a strangeness that was abetted by the compliments that came my way from people who mattered. Everyone seemed to love it - well, almost. The strongest voice of disapproval came from my teenage daughter - all of 13 and an amazing young lady - she felt my hair had lost character and the new look made me, well, not me.

And it was just her constant asking me when i would look "normal" that bothered me. What also bothered me was the amount of chemicals that i seemed to now douse my hair with - chemicals to hold the look just a bit longer, chemicals to maintain the sheen, and the chemicals made me feel confident as much as they made my hair feel abused. In my mind, i seemed to fit the much accepted norm of how professional women ought to look. It was almost as if, my qualification, my competence, my skill were all accentuated by the myth of what perfect hair is supposed to be.

It's been a year now. I have given up on the chemicals so now its a strange combination of wavy and straight and strangely stiff and frizzy - its as if, my hair finally decided to voice her protest. While I don't blame my hair, i do feel a sense of shame, a deep shame when I look into the mirror.

In a way, the hair seems to symbolize my femininity and with it, a reminder of how much time i took to accept what is and drop the ideals of perfection. At this point of time in my life, as I am working on letting go, of being more accepting of myself, my needs, I cant even remember what I used to look like before i got this hair treatment done. Just like I don't even know where to begin as a drop the mask of "good wife" and reclaim myself and work out a different way of relating with family. 

At this stage, the idea of shaving my head is very tempting - curious as I am about what might then emerge in the new me. I am also petrified as to how much of me would get exposed in this simple act. The thought of how long it would take before my hair grew to any length that is "feminine" and acceptable is frankly quite frightening.

Never before was it this obvious to me - how much of my identity of being a woman, of beauty is tied to my hair. A few months ago, a good friend shared how her teenage daughter went and shaved her head to challenge her own notions of beauty. And as i stand gazing at my reflection, seeing my frizzy, greying, scanty hair peek from underneath, I whisper a prayer that i may connect to that fearless, bold energy in me. And in this tiny act of courage, let go of some of the shame i hold about my female body.

10 Days of Self-care

On my way home after having spent 10 days at RK nature cure centre. This has been the first of its kind for me and also hugely inspired by my dear friend Bhanu who has such commitment to her health.

While the first three days, I kept thinking of my decision as a huge step towards self care and self love, over the 10 days, I feel like I have developed a new relationship with my body. The first three days were really tough given the tea deprivation headaches I got, as were the last two days when I just craved for my normal routine back home. Despite these tough times, I feel this was one of those rare times when my body led the day and not my mind.

The most significant insight for me at the end of this period has been: To eat food based on what my stomach needs and not allowing my head or even my heart to take that call - The generous portions of fruits, steamed veggies, juices - none that the head or the heart would have chosen - left my body feeling healthy and energetic. It helped me get a sense of the amount of food my body needs to work well through the day. It was also interesting to experience the body go through specific breaks between different meals. To actually create a gap of  14 hours between dinner and breakfast was surprisingly easy ( when done the right way). It was after the longest time that I was having every single meal at the table, sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend, and not in front of the screen.

This helped me get a more real sense of how my body was experiencing the food.

The other interesting learning was slowing down in exercise. And in each stretch, each aasan to pay attention to the breath. The slowing down while it got me more aware of how much addicted I am to multitasking or act with a sense of urgency, it also helped me notice my body in a different way. There were things I noticed that I didn't like - the flab, the loss of flexibility, and yet despite that to pamper the body with the daily massage, was an act of deep acceptance.

I am leaving the place with a new relationship with my body and with  food. I am also inspired to live life with a focus on wellness. Hoping to sustain this once I am back in the much missed home and routine! 

Loving my Body

:) Today I am in love with my weighing scales because they showed me a number i am happy with and they give me hope for the future. After having been on a detox diet for one week, today is the day i celebrate! Not that i am anywhere near what my "ideal weight" is supposed to be, but there is this satisfied feeling of having spring-cleaned my insides and being healthier than what i was a week back :)

Feeling so upbeat this morning, it got me thinking how little attention was paid to our bodies as we grew up. In my own home, healthy eating was quite broadly tackled, exercise never encouraged. (When asked what my favourite vegetable at dinner time was - "egg" came the prompt reply!)School was even worse. Marching, throw ball and basketball was as sporty as one could get (the games we invented during the lunch break gave us far more stamina anyway!)

In the teen years, attention to body didn't go beyond the occasional pimple on the face. Thankfully we weren't so exposed to the fashion & beauty industry standards and never got into fad diets. But there was no concept of enjoying one's body. Bharatnatyam that i learnt was more a performance oriented thingy. First gym enrolment in early 20s happened again only to tackle weight issues.

I guess what i missed most in my early years was this thought that one's body is a gift to be thankful for, a creation to be nurtured, a treasure to be enjoyed.

Thankfully the Universe was benevolent and things have taken a turn in the past few years. First big eye opener was being in circle of women where we worked with connecting emotions with our body and healing from within. It was also where i learnt the moon meditation, a unique and simple way of connecting my body and her energies to the moon. A healing massage set chronic aches right and therein came my next eye opener. All through was an inspiring sister, who though took things to levels more extreme than my own comfort, was working on and talking about the right things. She also recently introdcued me to the dry brushing technique which i totally swear by. Next was the beginning to enjoy green tea. Weaved in somewhere were being with two immensely talented people - my pedicurist and my accupressurist. A couple of books i enjoyed reading were Skinny Bitch and You can Heal your Life. A short stint with Bollywood dancing (which my mind and body have totally blanked out!). Then - the best gift i gave myself - swimming lessons and thus started a never-ending love affair with the pool! And viola! me and my body now good friends (with HUGE fights occasionally but overall in a good relationship!)

So now as a mother, i am hoping to do the right things for my child. This summer was a lot of body focus. We did 'Body Talk' a fun workshop for children to express through their bodies, and then there was swimming. Two weeks back we enrolled into skating. Back at home, we dance a lot. And of course rough and tumble play precedes the story time ritual at bedtime.

All in all, my body is happy and (to quote Louise Hay) all's well with my world!

The aroma and feel of special connections

There is an ecofarm called Aikya in Bangalore where I have stashed special memories i share with an incredible group of women i met over five years. Each year the group would spend 10 days together working with oneself on aspects of living and leading. In the process some of us bonded deeply with each other. Although I live a few miles away from this farm, I never visited the farm after the 5-year program ended. Until recently, I went there with two other women from the same circle, this time to offer yet another learning space for a circle of women who trusted us enough to gift themselves the workshop!

While I was really excited about going back to Aikya, strangely, I wasn’t caught by a surge of nostalgia when we finally reached there. Yes, there were great memories but nothing to set my skin tingling, my stomach churning and me getting all goose-bumpy! Until my morning bath the next day. Since Aikya does not have any geysers, water is heated outside our rooms in two black pots from where we then take it to our respective rooms. The water catches on the strangely pleasant aroma of the wood and dry coconut shells, which I had quite forgotten. When I poured the water over me, the uniquely “Aikya” aroma of the water brought back the sounds of the laughter and tears, the confronting and the comforting, the struggling and resting, all of it.

Another memory comes fleeting in with the call of the ‘atira’ bird. Yet another unique connection in Ahmedabad where I first heard this bird calling in the middle of a deep conversation with a friend. I had never heard it, not that it was melodious or soothing in anyway – just very strong and unlike anything I had heard before. My friend, who is as clueless about birds as I am said, “ arre yeh birds toh hamesha ATIRA ke paas dikhte hai” (you can always see these birds near ATIRA). And so the bird became the ‘atira’ bird for me. I have heard the calling several times afterwards, in Ahmedabad and other cities that became home later. I still don’t know what the bird’s real name is, not that I am trying to find out! It will always be the Aitra bird for me – with memories of a very special phase of my life resonating in its calling.

With all the moving and reinventing I have done with my life so far, I often forget special things I have shared with people. Conversations with my friends, people I worked with – many ordinary yet special moments that define me as a person today. And though the mind forgets, the body remembers. She has so lovingly and carefully tucked all these special moments in her different senses bringing them back to me in moments I least expect. In the aroma of lavender oil, the grainy texture of sand, the dampness of the night rain, smokiness of burning firewood, aftertaste of cold coffee, strange harmony of off-key singing, simple taste of masala bun and chai, rough warmth of old cardigans – each bringing in special times with special people. And with a sense of gratitude for this power of my body, I breathe in deeply and touch and feel intensely all these special connections in my life!