On vulnerability

An inspiring talk by Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability - that also inspired me to break the shell and re-start blogging :). hope my friends and family enjoys it as much as I did:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

2011 - Here I come!

wooo hoooo - a long hiatus from blogging. have missed it more than my fan following (read family) might have missed my random musings! So decided to get back to it in the new year - hopefully a bit more regularly. Though it's been a while that the new year began, I wanted my first blog to be about things I am grateful for in the year that went by:

- time with my family living far far away and connecting in different ways
- seeing my relationship with the not-so-little one change and still enjoying every minute with her
- discovering the excitement and skill in cooking
- experimenting with new way of working with kids and seeing it work in small ways
- connecting with some of my women friends with whom i was missing some 'we' time
- connecting with myself in more intimate ways
- finding a dream home
- making peace with some of the relationships that I value but didn't seem to work well
- actually getting a home loan despite the odds
- putting on weight over the year and actually being ok about it
- finally finally getting the name change in my PAN card!
- seeing some shifts and miracles at work
- confronting some old fears and taking tiny tiny steps in making peace with them

A rather cryptic blog I can see - ah well- writing just for myself to begin with - a good start indeed!

A Holiday with a Difference

Summer break @ Magic Puddles and unlike all other summers, we haven't been able to plan a holiday back home to Bombay. So been hanging around in Bangalore partly planning for the next academic session and partly catching up on long-pending personal work. When this break started out, it wasn't a happy thought - not being able to take time off completely, still having to work during THE break of the year.

But a week down the line, i am quite enjoying this pace. Knowing that i don't have to rush through things. Being able to spend quality time with the folks at home and at the same time being able to attend to work. Meeting friends in the middle of the week. Finally learning to make rotis (total success) and experimenting with gujju cooking (total disaster!) Catching up on random movies being shown on TV. Reading up some cool stuff.

And the best part of the week has been the amount of introverted time i am able to create at different times of the day. This introverted time feels doubly special since life had been in a frenzy since the beginning of this year. So during these special times, i see myself taking the time to clarify things for myself. At times, stepping back and watching how i react in different situations. Thinking through my priorities. Connecting with a deep part within myself and in the process being able to connect better with people around me.

Best of all, i love seeing myself zealously guarding these moments of introverted time. I am so looking forward to the next week where the break continues. And i hope to be able to continue creating it for myself even after i resume my routine work!

My Simple Truth

Everyone needs or has a place where they can recharge their life energies, their soul - or so i read in several feel-good articles (which for some weird reason are directed only towards female readers). And many of these articles will have a few suggestions for seeking souls like me about where you could find this place. I always romanticized that for me the special place would be at a friend's dinning table (desperately borrowed from one of the lists i guess) but never did find that table. I pretty much had dismissed the idea that such a place can exist until....

...work took me back to this eco-farm in the outskirts of Bangalore managed by a trust. We'd taken children there for an overnight stay as part of the summer camp. And despite the energy and alertness required when out with a group of kids (and a sleepless night) as i left the place the next day, i felt totally energized. I naturally thought that it was this place that has the magic for me. It is packed with lovely memories of times that i have spent with friends. It's quiet and peaceful, air and water cleaner than what i get back in my city home and i feel blessed with the generosity of my friend who manages this place.

And then it struck me - it was not the place, but the sheer act of driving on relatively empty roads, away from my routine and then the quiet journey back (i returned ahead of the kids - so that explains the silence!). That's when it struck me, my special 'soul-place' is not a solid still place, but it is the movement. I get this same sense of peace in crowded buses and trains (so long as i get a window seat to myself). Whether i am doing the driving or not, I love the road - stretching ahead, winding. I love things going past as the vehicle moves - in some sense so transient and yet so stable! It amazes me to see how much land is available outside of our over-crowded cities. I feel overwhelmed by the the richness of colours, textures, smells and sounds around. Sometimes i am completely absorbed in my thinking and sometimes I step back and watch how i think. And in the fast moving, i am able to connect with a deep stillness inside of me.

Finally, it feels good to discover that my soul-place lies just outside the doorstep, waiting for me no matter where i am!

A lazy Sunday afternoon....

................may not be so welcome after all is what i discovered yesterday as i experienced a real hot day in the otherwise-bearable weather of Bangalore. I did everything to cope with the heat – loads of fluids, sleeping on the floor, trying to immerse myself into Steig Larson’s novel, spending time in an air conditioned book store followed by coffee shop and even swimming late night. None of this helped in taking my mind off the sweltering heat.

The irritation continued Monday morning and i was all grouchy complaining about the heat. The husband, his usual optimistic self said don’t worry it will rain (yeah right!)

And now as i sit by my office window, late afternoon, there’s a wonderful wind blowing and the sky is cloudy. The air is rich with the promise of evening showers. And i am in love with Bangalore all over again! Rain or no rain – its getting cool already, its time to enjoy my evening cup of tea and say a prayer of thanks to mamma nature. And hope that this benevolence continues!

There is something so magical about rains! Growing up in Bombay, rain always made its presence felt in our life. Through the school years, heavy rains meant a holiday because area around the school would get flooded. In college, rains were a huge feel good factor, there was either the promise of romance or just (equally nice) casual walking in the rain followed with ek cutting chai. When i started to work, heavy rains meant a few anxious evenings wondering whether the trains would still ply and yet it was as magical as the city got washed with unexpected thunder showers.

Now rains mean happy moments with the little one all excited about her rain dance.

Or just sitting with the husband revisiting memories of that long walk in the rain that changed our lives.

At times, lazily chatting with a friend, enjoying some hot chocolate and pakodas.

Taking shelter in the little tapri by the road side hoping the vehicles whizzing past don’t splash the muck around

Walking along splashing in the puddles.

Or standing by the road side seeing the Jacaranda blooms float by.

Maybe just sitting alone breathing in the bheeni mitti humming some of gulzaar’s work......

.....So what do the rains mean to you – do share with me!

My Masks & Me

i was in a learning space this week with a group of friends that left me with questions on identity. Facets of my identity have been created over the years, based on my roles and relationships. Each space that i am in – the core of my identity shines through but there is a mask i take on - depending on how i perceive that space for myself. both in terms of what i need to give in and what i get for myself. And over a period of time, i have two or three masks that become an integral part of my identity. Masks through which i express myself or relate to the other in that space. Masks through which i set and fulfill expectations.

I would like to believe that there is some space, some relationship in my life where i am authentically ‘just me’ - mask-less. But that is far from the truth. i always have a mask on, no matter what space i am in. The quality of masks differ, at times an impenetrable iron plate, giving no clues about the colour of my skin or the look in my eyes and at times, a thin, almost transparent, veil of chiffon, offering a connection seeped in authenticity.

But then the question for me that stays unanswered is - what comes first - the relationship / space or the mask? As far as i can remember, i have held on to some mask or the other - and they have become my primary means of connecting with someone or living upto a role. So WHAT is this big fear of staying mask-less even as a intimacy grows; the fear of being completely open and therefore maybe vulnerable to the other? Sure, each mask helps in satisfying some need of mine in that space, but what about me do i perceive as so unacceptable if there is no mask to cover it?

As i got thinking about the different masks i don, i also got in touch with how it is most difficult for me to let go of the masks that i have taken on in my childhood. Much before my own independent identity was formed. Though there has been a lot of learning and growing and challenging of the self since i was a little girl, I simply cannot drop the mask from those early years. Almost as if peeling off that mask would mean having to scrape of my skin itself, leaving me covered with raw, wounded flesh. Or like a friend asked: do i hold on to the mask to cover the wounds that are already there, afraid of the vulnerability or even rejection that i would then have to deal with?

I don't even know if i want to take the masks off; whether i really can is a different matter altogether. But now the big question for me to work on - can i see me in the mirror without any masks on and be accepting of what i see?

The Blessing of Sunsets

I find something oddly comforting in the beauty of sunsets. The light of the sky transforming into swirls of deep red, magenta and violet, the fury of the sun dimming into a intense, yet soft orange and the slow creeping of black to engulf the world.

The message i receive as the sky transforms from a splash of vibrant colours to darkness is that no matter how your day has been - it's now time to rest. To take a deep breath & pause. To move from a frenzy to stillness. To find a sense of peace within.

And it is so heartening to see that no matter how my day has been, the beauty and peace of the sunset tells me that all's right with my world!


(Picture: Evening @ Banwasi with friends)

To Bee or not to Bee

Just finished researching on social behaviors of ants and bees as part of the lesson plan for next week's theme @ our learning centre. All this information is quite new & fascinating for me - teeny weeny insects focus on their roles in the colony and how nature blesses them with just the right physical structure. For instance, the way the hive is structured and the way honey bees organize themselves to ensure survival and sustenance is mind-blowing. And also how insects, through their abilities, then develop unique ways of supporting each other. Take the example of leaf cutter ants. When the worker ants are out there collecting leaves for the whole colony, they are at risk of being attacked by the phorid fly, a parasitic pest which lays eggs into the crevices of the worker ant's head. So the minims (the smallest ants in the colony) often “hitchhike” on leaf fragments to ward of any attack by the parasites. Your own personal body guard as you go about your work - how cool is that?!

So all this research got me thinking - what if people too came with specific structures that dictated what each one is meant to do? What if our bodies got us to focus on specific tasks and only through that connect with others and the community at large? A spot reserved on earth for everyone doing their thing. No conflicts, no politics at work, no one-upmanship. No scurrying like headless roaches tying to figure things out (yeah, that was another thing i researched on!)

But then again, think about it - aren't we too like that little ant or that busy bee? We may not have physical structures geared towards a particular job description in life. But there IS an internal programming that seems to be operating. Maybe not in our bodies but in our psyches. A voice that helps us understand what feels right and what doesn't. Increasingly i hear about people pursuing what appeals to them beyond their educational background or early career choices. Of people giving up everything they do, as if on a whim, to follow a dream. And of others who feel they are stuck in a rut but are asking the right questions to discover their path.

In the culture i grew up in - there were several external factors that determined what you chose as your profession. And early in life, the inner voice is hushed. But going by how i experience a whole of people specially in their 30s - there is hope. For the psyche finds a way to push through the responsibilities, job descriptions, politics and performance appraisals, to say out loud what it needs to. It can come to you in a book you read or a conversation with a friend or a mystical dream that lingers on or just tuning into yourself in your quiet time. And without any clear logic or discussion, our entire being seems to respond to an idea, a thought - "yes this is me!" or atleast what i meant to be! And going by personal experience - when we march in step with this inner voice, life does not get any easy, but it sure does get a whole lot meaningful!

So like those little bees, its nice to heed to the waggle dance your psyche does to direct you to whatever you are meant to be. Go on - ask the right questions, pause & listen, take that one tiny step - and viola, see the magic unfold!

Sleepless in Siliconcity

Of late i have started to catch this pattern in my behaviour – i am unable to just drift off to sleep at night or even allow myself to simply not do anything. Honest to God, my work is quite exhausting – thanks to inexhaustible kids i work with through the day! And yet there is this real odd kind of restless as my head hits the pillow. Its doubly hard because on most days, my husband and daughter sleep under three minutes from the time the night lamp is switched on. And i get up and frantically browse through my well-stocked library looking for some book that will soothe away the anxiety and lull me to sleep.

Tonight i watch myself as i search for just the right book to read and see a deep reluctance i seem to have to simply be with my thoughts. In the dead silence of the night – i see myself running away from the questions that pop up, desperately seeking answers. And tonight i tell myself – let's stay with the questions....


Was i unduly harsh on my daughter today?


Am i being sensitive to the people i work with?


Am i pushing off my demons onto other people around me?


Am i doing enough or too much or too little for people i value?

Am i drifting away from people i value?

Why is it such a scary thing for me to think and act more independent?

How much to hold on to and how much to let go?

Did i say NO too many times to the kids i work with?

How come i seem to criticize more than appreciate?

Am i being honest with myself when i say "everything’s just fine"?


Am i being too dramatic?

Can i give up on being emotional and yet feel passionate about things in my life?

Will there be enough water in the world by the time my daughter becomes an adult?


Is my world safe?

Why is fairness in any situation so hard to get?

Will i ever look at myself in the mirror and love what i see?


Will i ever learn to let go of the past?


Is it too late to dream?

And as these questions start to untangle and get organized in this space, I feel an odd sense of peace. Maybe i will never find the answers but i do know now that these questions just don’t keep me awake – they keep me alive.

P.S. Last question for the night - Is blogging a better substitute to reading?